Will this be all for you, Mr. Tonoyan? Just "new war - new territories"?

The former Armenian Minister of Defense, Davit Tonoyan, who has been under arrest for the past 18 months, attended a meeting of the Parliamentary Investigative Commission on the inquiry into the circumstances surrounding the 44-day war. It has to be mentioned, that the court gave him permission to participate from August 1-2 in the work of the commission.

This is the same Tonoyan, who at one point in time threatened Azerbaijan by saying a new war will mean new territories.

“[...] We were ready to repel the aggression of two or three times the force, but, this was our fault, we did not consider that there would be direct involvement of a third country, it is clear that I am talking about Türkiye. We did not expect Türkiye to be directly involved in the war”. These are his words, I quote. Davit Tonoyan speaks half the truth. He is hiding information about Dothraki cavalry and Zimbabwean mercenaries who also took part in the war on the side of Azerbaijan.

I will say more: it was the Zimbabwean mercenaries who took pictures on the phone, which then flew around the world, namely the Armenian soldier running away with a toilet. The only reason they didn’t go after him, and as a result, didn’t catch him, is because of his Homeric laughter. Only a few people know this, but after the war, they, the Zimbabweans, refused to accept the fee, which was owed to them and replied by saying something along the lines of “Thank you, we laughed a lot, we do not need money, and if you decide to repeat this - call us again, we will come with our professional filming equipment”. So I would recommend Armenian investigators check Tonoyan’s testimony on a lie detector. If he sweats, he is lying. But that was just a proverb.

Tonoyan continues by stating the following: “The Armenian army was not equipped well enough to lead a modern war. I already talked about this in public. We have never been able to fully provide the mobilization resources neither with weapons and military equipment nor equipment. We have twice emphasized the need for additional equipment in our event program - in 2018 and 2019.

Here he must either put on his pants or remove the cross, just as it goes in that one anecdote, because “we were ready to repel the aggression of forces outnumbering two, three times” and “we have never been able to fully provide the mobilization resources neither with weapons and military equipment nor equipment” could mislead the investigation. He contradicts himself, gets his testimony mixed up and is trying to get away.

They were possibly “ready” until someone stole the big bucks and pocketed the money allocated to the Armenian army, and as soon as it was plundered and cashed in talks about the Turkish army, the Dothraki, and the Zimbabwean mercenaries came up.

Well, and the cherry on top was this: “On the fourth day of the war, at the meeting of the Security Council held on September 30, the Chief of the General Staff, Onik Gasparyan, expressed the need to stop the fighting, and added that Armenia’s resources would quickly run out otherwise”. So I don’t understand it, were the Turkish troops in the war since day one, did they only come on day four, or did they not join the war at all and sent the Zimbabwean mercenaries instead?

By the way, does anyone remember on what day of the war the world saw that footage of the plumbing fixtures? Oh right, it was after the signing of the truce, when the Dothraki were already tired and the Zimbabwean mercenaries had not left yet. If we put the jokes aside, (although with such opponents it is hard to remain serious – circus clowns seem like thoughtful and reasonable people in comparison) I am not even talking about the 11,000 deserters, who would have definitely beaten us if we managed to catch up with them. What I am saying is that if Türkiye would have participated in the war, using only one-tenth of its military capabilities, all of Armenia would have already moved to the Krasnodarsky district. I do, of course, understand that, first of all, it is embarrassing, secondly, one needs to find an excuse and that, thirdly, “one never lies as much as after a war”, but there must be a limit to everything. Just so that the testimony holds at least a little bit of truth. Maybe then both the audience and investigators would believe it. We too will be listening carefully, and will definitely share what we have heard with both our Dothraki and Zimbabwean comrades seeing as there is no such thing as too much cheerful laughter or positive feelings.