POLITICO lampoons European leaders, declares 2025 “disastrous year” for EU

In a satirical column, POLITICO skewered European leaders, branding 2025 as a catastrophic year for the EU.

The column humorously highlighted the year’s tumultuous events, opening with a nod to astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore, who spent nearly ten months in space and thereby “missed almost three months of the misery” on Earth.

POLITICO quipped, “Welcome back, guys. There’s good news and bad news: the good news is you’re home safe and sound; the bad news is Kamala Harris didn’t win the election.”

The publication also lampooned US President Donald Trump, describing his administration’s policies as a bear “dominating the honey section if let loose in a supermarket,” citing rushed tariffs and public disputes with figures such as Elon Musk.

Europe, POLITICO continued, was no less chaotic. Germany replaced Olaf Scholz with Friedrich Merz, whose demeanor the outlet likened to someone impatiently waiting for a supermarket parking space. France and Italy swapped political stability roles, with Italy maintaining steadiness while France devolved into a “basket case” with multiple prime ministers—so much so that former footballer Eric Cantona humorously assumed the title.

In Brussels, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen survived three confidence votes despite being described as “about as popular as unwanted invasive surgery,” reflecting the growing strength of far-right elements in the European Parliament. 

Yet not all news was bleak. POLITICO praised the new pope for breaking the Church’s good pope/bad pope cycle and lauded Portuguese Prime Minister António Costa for outperforming his predecessor as European Council president.

The satirical column also touched on notable international and cultural developments. The relationship between Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and pop star Katy Perry was highlighted as a whimsical silver lining, while US-EU relations were critiqued following Vice President JD Vance’s remarks at the Munich Security Conference.

In France, far-right leader Marine Le Pen faced a five-year ban from political office due to an EU Parliament scandal, theoretically sidelining her from the 2027 presidential race. POLITICO noted, however, that Le Pen’s political ambitions persist, with deputy Barbie Bardella ready to assume a leadership role. Meanwhile, President Emmanuel Macron’s frequent prime ministerial reshuffles were lampooned as a case study in “confident-straight-white-men-bordering-on-delusion syndrome.”

POLITICO concluded on a hopeful, if tongue-in-cheek, note: “Oh, how the tables have turned,” suggesting that Europe may find stability in unexpected quarters in 2026.

Quote of the Year: Greens group co-leader Terry Reintke on EU politics: “It’s a shitty sign for European majorities, it is a shitty sign for Europe, it is shitty for the fight against climate change.”

By Vafa Guliyeva