Germany’s once-punctual trains are now a comedy of errors

As the Intercity Express leaves Bern for Berlin, Swiss passengers bid farewell to punctuality — a hallmark of Alpine efficiency — and brace for the reality of German railways.

Deutsche Bahn’s long-distance trains now rank among Europe’s least punctual, with only about half arriving on time in October, according to NPR.

Chronic underinvestment, crumbling infrastructure, and a bureaucratic network have left trains subject to missing cars, technical faults, and seat mix-ups. Passenger lobbyist Lukas Iffländer says the system is top-heavy with managers while lacking enough engineers and signal operators, and decades of neglect since 1998 have left Deutsche Bahn struggling to catch up.

Even statistical measures of punctuality have been called into question. Der Spiegel reported that some long-distance trains were allegedly canceled to artificially boost on-time arrival figures, a claim Deutsche Bahn denies.

Passengers, meanwhile, endure crowded carriages and long waits with surprising patience. Catherine Launay from France quips that “if this had been a French train, there’d have been more of an uproar!”

In a nod to its reputation, Deutsche Bahn has turned its staff struggles into a mockumentary on TikTok and Instagram, featuring dancing crew members singing “zenk yoo for träveling wiz Deutsche Bahn” — a hit with passengers who can’t stream it onboard due to poor Wi-Fi.

Federal Transport Minister Patrick Schnieder warned that “many equate the malfunctioning of railways with the malfunctioning of our state.” The hope now rests with new CEO Evelyn Palla, who plans to streamline the company, though she cautions that repairs and reforms will take time.

By the time the train reaches Berlin, passengers are left with a clear message: whether it’s signal failure, humor failure, or state failure, Germany’s trains have gone decidedly off the rails.

By Vugar Khalilov