Stop the world! Reflections by Emin Galali

I’m getting off. I have a feeling this is not my bus. Not my planet. I’ll take a trip to Alpha Centauri. Rigil Kentaurus or Toliman. Or Proxima, as a last resort. It is the closest one — only a few tens of thousands of years away, and you are there. As we know, science has no answer as to whether life exists there. If it does, and we begin communicating, the Centaurians will be horrified by the realities of our existence — realities that have become completely ordinary to us.

For example, an average extraterrestrial, after learning about the history of the Russia-Ukraine war, would probably clutch its head — assuming it has one. Who knows how aliens think? (Although the question “What do they think with?” is also relevant to humans, whose possession of heads leaves no doubt.)

Russia should have long ago destroyed the “fascist regime,” but somehow it still has not managed to do so — perhaps it simply enjoys prolonging the process? Ukraine, too, has long been preparing to put an end to a Russia that supposedly “has no right to exist,” amid approving cheers from the “progressive world,” but that has not happened either. Propaganda fervour and the growing number of casualties on both sides have fully revealed themselves.

As for the cheers — they can still be heard, but they hardly form a harmonious chorus. Moreover, the flare-up of tensions between Poland and Ukraine, which the European Union hastily swept under the rug, is a preview of the post-war hangover Ukraine will have to face. This is something we warned about: Kyiv should not expect a triumphant entry into Europe, whose values hundreds of thousands of Ukrainians have sacrificed their lives defending.

Everyone knows about Ukraine and Russia, but what about a new hotspot of tension — Brazil and Argentina? Not on the football pitch (we will return to football later), but in politics.

Argentine President Javier Milei has launched a fierce attack on Brazil’s leadership, openly taking the side of former president Jair Bolsonaro, who is currently under arrest in Brazil. It was the country’s current president, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, who sent him there. Lula himself, meanwhile, previously spent time in prison before returning to the presidency.

I can already imagine an inhabitant of, say, Aldebaran (a star in the constellation Taurus) struggling to make sense of this entire mess. Poor Aldebaranian — it will have a very, very difficult time.

Or take the United States and Iran. As we predicted, both countries have already won the war. President Trump regularly boasts about how thoroughly Iran’s insignificant military infrastructure has been destroyed. Meanwhile, the Iranians, with the very infrastructure that was supposedly destroyed, continue to strike American bases across the region — and have managed not only to inflict damage but also cause casualties among personnel.

At the same time, Iran insists on its determination to fight until victory while actively seeking a diplomatic solution — which is understandable, since enduring strikes from the world’s most powerful military for a prolonged period is no easy task. Besides, determination is one thing; actual decisions are often something else entirely.

The only question left is: which of the victors is the least victorious? One of them clearly risks failing to realise that it has already won.

Iran, among other things, is facing internal discord. Recently, President Pezeshkian publicly lashed out at the head of Iran’s state television broadcaster, accusing him of selectively presenting the president’s views to the public.

But Iran now has a real chance at victory — along with a solution to all its media problems. All in one package! They have identified the main information enemy tarnishing Iran’s glorious reality. And, of course, it is Azerbaijan.

I have always suspected that all of Iran’s failures were caused by AZTV (Azerbaijan’s state television broadcaster — Ed.). Everything is the fault of Azerbaijani journalists!

But here is the catch: now that they have dealt with AZTV, should we expect an apology to Tehran from the White House? Compensation payments? Another Strait of Hormuz handed over to Iran for its use?

And if Tehran also adds AZERTAC and Caliber.Az to its list of hostile media outlets, then nothing less than the official transfer of the keys to new nuclear and weapons-of-mass-destruction facilities will do.

What else is there to recall? Ah, yes — Britain, for example. We predicted political upheavals in that country. If anyone doubts it, they can check for themselves.

And now, there you have it: yet another prime minister has bitten the dust. Not literally, of course — it is simply an English expression. One would like to wish success to his successor, but the challenge awaiting him is certainly not for the faint-hearted.

Speaking of difficult tasks — Israel’s prime minister is heading to New York for the UN General Assembly, while Mayor Mamdani wants to have him arrested. He wants to, but he cannot — the law does not allow it. Therefore, Mamdani is calling on concerned city residents to take to the streets in protest.

And New York has no shortage of either streets or concerned residents. The people who will certainly have an exciting time are the city’s police and the security services responsible for the visit.

The humanitarian crisis in Sudan has already become something akin to a weather forecast. The same goes for the situation of the Palestinians. This many may die, this many have already died, and this many are dying as we speak.

Well, so be it — what’s the big deal? Who really cares? Perhaps only the UN. But even the UN is already deeply concerned about itself, because it has no money, and its headquarters in New York is rapidly emptying.

I can vividly imagine a Martian following these events and, without even realising it, repeating the classic phrase: “No more drinks for me.”

Indeed, no more drinks — your head will spin even without alcohol, just trying to keep up with all of this. Or perhaps one would have to get completely drunk for all these tangled complexities to become utterly irrelevant. But I am not sure Martians are capable of drinking that much.

And now, about football.

The World Cup is over, but the games continue — just as they do on the non-football field. The only pity is that the VAR system often fails to do its job on either field.

Perhaps it is time to officially introduce a new system — the “barbarian” (VAR-barian) system? As an alternative…